I sat gently on the bench ruminating and trying to be sure I was about taking the right decision. Fifty naira was the last legal tender on me and I was prepared to squander it watching football.
The weekend was seriously loaded. There was a London derby match and an El classico and I was about paying for the London derby with my last cash. “How would I watch the El classico?” I asked myself just as the thought of survival after watching ball flew across the river of my mind. I wasn’t expecting any allowance from home since Aregbe hadn’t paid a kobo in five months.
I received a tap at my side and I returned back from the voyage of mind ruminating. My body shook as though it were a spasm. It was Onile, the owner of the football watching house. He wanted his money since the match had started and exactly that way, he goes about collecting money individually from everyone in the house.
I dipped my hands into the roots of my pockets and gave him my widow’s mite. To my greatest surprise, he skipped the lady sitting beside me while he collected from the next guy. Out of curiosity, I watched him carefully till he concluded the money collection exercise. He didn’t charge all the ladies therein. The lady sitting next to me explained that females are not charged for watching football in Ile-Ife.
I was furious. “This is gender inequality” I told myself quietly and began to reason the rationale behind it.
Then I decided “I wasn’t going to pay a dime when I come back to watch the El classico by evening.”
Evening came and meticulously in my room, I began a makeover for myself. I had learnt few tips about makeup from Fehlove makeovers, my lovely sister. When I was done and was sure I looked feminine enough, I wore the skull cap my girlfriend forgot in my room the last time she visited.
I checked the mirror; I looked perfectly alright except for the absence of breasts. I folded clothes and hid foams behind the clothes. They were soft enough and so I hid them under my round neck top. It was a perfect camouflage.
I got to the football house it was empty. Onile was still arranging the scattered benches from the previous match and he told me I was an hour earlier than match schedule. He didn’t notice my disguise and I was so happy. I had no problem with my voice since it wasn’t physiologically masculine. Onile seemed to like me, he insisted I sit beside him during the match and I raised no objection. He told me he had placed a bet on naira bet predicting that both teams would score and will buy me fanta if he wins the bet.
The match had started and Real Madrid seemed to be dominating with a goal ahead of Barcelona. Onile was hoping was praying for Barca to score so he would win the bet and I wished too. My fanta was my business.
“Goooooaaaaaaalllllll…..” the whole football house vibrated with joy on the faces of some and the opposite on the faces of others. Barca had equalized.
Onile jumped for joy, he had won the bet already. I stood up to jubilate with him and before I knew anything, he hugged me and held me tight. The attention of everyone shifted from the goal to Onile who hugged a certain lady in the front sit.
All of a sudden, he was still, he looked at me and loosened himself out of my hands. I knew I had been caught and began to shake. He stretched fort his hands to palpate my breasts. He seemed to be an expert; he already noticed by ordinary hug that the mountain on my chest weren’t breast.
I obstructed his palpation attempt and out of strength gradient, he seized my both hands with one of his and the spectators watched the funny drama even as some questioned what seemed to be physical assault.
He announced my offence to them as he pulled out the breast camouflage. The crowd laughed even as some rained abuses all over me.
At that point I questioned the responsibility of the angel assigned to blow the trumpet on the last day. Why didn’t he blow the trumpet so the world could end at that moment?
A big shout out again to my ever shana readers, my secondary sources of inspiration. This is the fourteenth novella in my comedy series and I thank you specially for always been there.
Omolere Maxi Oluwatobi